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04 Sep 2015

1. This must stop. If I want to stay alive for the next 5 years, then I must do something to move me forward. I feel like Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption. It’s just that I am procrastinating, and not doing anything consistent to achieve my redemption. Dear reader, if you are someone like me prone to melancholy and depression, then you would understand. You might even be living your life comfortably, and not worry about maintaining or improving your existence. How I wish sometimes to just sleep and never wake up. But I know I can do this. I have the potential to achieve my goals be it selfish or not. Every day seems like Groundhog Day even though I could not step into the same river twice. Will I still be unwilling to die if death will separate me from these people? These circumstances?

2. When I moved away about 4 years ago from the people who adopted me, I experienced something unprecedented in my life. And I am still experiencing it now. I tend to prefer to talk to women than to men. The first instance I experienced this was with an old couple in their 50s or 60s who owns a store in the dry market area in Malabon. Since I am living by myself, I am forced to talk to people even though I don’t want to. I need to talk or I will go insane. The husband was jealous because I always talked to his wife, but not to him, when I was buying food from them. The relationship was not sexual. It was not even platonic. It was just the usual casual conversation with an acquaintance. If some young and fresh women in their teens or early twenties does not pass my standards, how much more for women in their 30s and above? I forgave that old guy for talking to me using a tone of voice I do not like. But after treating me badly for so long, I never went back to that store ever again. The second old couple was the same. I was just buying potatoes and tomatoes from them every couple of days. After I felt the jealousy of the husband, and the way he treated me, and the tone of his voice, I never talked to them ever again. The third old couple was, you guessed it, the same. I could feel the jealousy of the husband. But the reason I am not able to talk to them anymore is because I have to move from Malabon to Rizal. If my stay there was prolonged, then the husband’s behavior and tone of voice towards me would definitely repel me from them forever. For the record, I only want beautiful women between 18 and 25 who passed my standards. I can give exceptions if the woman in question is very pretty.

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