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06 Mar 2017

Water

1. If I have a girlfriend, I will probably mess it up. I have no idea what it takes to be a good boyfriend to a pretty girlfriend. And I don’t want to know.

I feel like she will slow me down. And maybe even contribute to breaking and destroying some or most of my cherished dreams and aspirations in life. I like the idea of having a girlfriend. Just the idea. Not the implementation of the idea though. I will of course do stuff with her. I will do exciting stuff with her whether it is inside or outside a bedroom. She will contribute in giving me the highest highs and the lowest lows. And I will do the same to her. But I take full responsibility for my life. And I don’t want to add any additional burden to my life already full of pain and suffering. My plate is already full as it is. I don’t want to commit to just one girl. I would like to fuck as many girls as I can. Giving pleasure to as many girls as I can gives me pleasure. I will lay down a girl in a soft mattress. I will undress her. Do stuff with her. Innocent stuff. Kiss her neck. Lick her boobs. Eat her pussy. Make her wet. Not once. Not twice. But five to ten times in a fucking session with her. Acquaintances with benefits.

2. I want to be able to say to myself that I will stay alive until the day I die. Die a natural death in old age. Or maybe an unforeseen accident. But not die by killing myself. Not by suicide. Not by acting upon my recurring suicidal thoughts. Not because of my depression. Maybe by working and focusing on sleep, nutrition, and exercise, I might be able to stay alive until the day I die a natural death. Life is just too hard for me. I don’t know how to be positive. One thing I keep on doing right now is to remove all the people and things in my life I deem as negative. Maybe that would somehow help. I’m not in a position to write in a way like I figured most things in life. Like I’m oozing with positivity and no negativity. I need to learn all over again how to be realistically optimistic with my outlook about my own life. But I’m afraid that I might become a busybody again like I was before. Displaying a mix of positivity and negativity, and at the same time being a busybody.

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