21 Feb 2015

1. I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough.

2. It’s a pleasure using the Shaeffer 100, but I think I’ll just stay with my Stabilo [email protected] The saleslady from National Book Store replaced the grip and the barrel, but not the cap. It feels like the grip and the barrel does not harmonize with the cap. It wiggles at the slightest movement. My normal handwriting is cursive. The first line is sometimes very weak when you use a Shaeffer roller ball; the succeeding lines give you an inconsistent light blue hue. I’ll still think about it. My Stabilo [email protected] gives you a consistent deep blue hue. I like the blueness of Shaeffer than the blueness of Stabilo though.

3. I am not suicidal anymore for over 9 months. But I want to tell you how I tried to kill myself last 10 Jul 2013 at 10 p.m. I really did my research on the Internet regarding the best way of killing myself in the most painless way possible. The suicide method I liked the most was downing 100 capsules of Seconal with a glass of vodka. You must remove the powder from the capsules first, and put it into the glass of vodka. A warning though. It is very bitter. How did I know? I watched a documentary about people in Oregon killing themselves with this concoction. If I was able to buy this prescription medicine, I should be dead for almost 2 years already. Apparently I am still here. Since acquiring this secobarbital was impossible, I just purchased 2 large bottles of Russian Standard vodka from SM Savemore. Before attempting suicide for the very first time, I actually tried to be a hedonist as much as I can. I ordered pizzas from Pizza Hut, Shakey’s, and Yellow Cab. I ordered BFF bundles from McDonald’s, and upgrading the fries to large. I ordered 10 Jolly Hotdogs at a time from Jollibee. Sometimes I ordered 5 Jolly Hotdogs and 3 Extra-Large Jolly Crispy Fries from Jollibee. I was watching Korean movies from action and thriller to horror and romance, while eating what I ordered online. I would go to the supermarket and try all the flavors of ice cream they were selling. I bought 1 flavor every couple of days until I was able to try them all. I don’t want to write anymore details about this for now. Maybe next time.

All I can say is that at that moment on 10 Jul 2013 at 10 p.m., I turned on my air conditioner. I was sitting on my mattress on the floor with the 2 large bottles of vodka, 2 large bottles of Coca-Cola, a long and narrow-rimmed transparent glass, and a bag of ice. I found out that no matter how bad I wanted to die, a part of me is hindering me from killing myself. It’s not fear. It’s something inside me that wants to fight for life. Something that cannot be explained, just felt. I tried to go against it, and my heart was extremely heavy because of it. I managed to down 1/3 of the content of the first bottle of vodka. Then I collapsed. Just so you know, I don’t drink. At all. It is my first time to attempt to kill myself, and it is also my first time to drink alcohol on my own accord. The first time I opened that first bottle of vodka, all I can compare it to is the 70% solution isopropyl rubbing alcohol I use to sanitize my hands.

All the pain I feel every day of my life right now does not push me to suicide anymore. I am not saying this to please people with my seemingly positive vibes. I am saying this because all the pain I am going through only pushes me to live. To fight. To compete. To win. To fight for life. All the wood you throw at me I collect. And I put them in the furnace of my heart, and it burns. I never run out of wood. People and circumstances always provide me a generous amount of wood to keep the fire in my heart burning. So every time you think you are hurting me does not really make me weak. It makes me stronger. It strengthens and amplifies my resolve. All the put downs you give me does not generate the result you want. Instead, it gives me the willpower which you dread. Some narcissists might argue that I am just having a lethal case of inferiority complex. Good for you. I am an alchemist who turns all the things you throw at me for my own good. Thank you.

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